Sunday, August 22, 2010

"You're going to make me fat again!"

Hey readers!

Damn I suck, I know. Apparently this actually working phase I am going through is hurting my blog postings big time. I promise to slack off a tad to satisfy your eyes.

Went to the podiatrist on Wednesday. Remembered my appointment that morning so did the "courtesy shave" of the legs. Cut myself on the ankle bone - why?!?! Bled like a pig, awesome.

So I have been avoiding the podiatrist for like a year now. Not that I was scared of him or anything like that but because I knew he was going to ground me. Yes, ground me - forbidding me to do something. THE PODIATRIST TOOK AWAY MY CRACK COCAINE! OK not really but ladies and gentlemen I have addictions. Fortunately my addictions are not things like drugs, alcohol, gambling, you know - all the celebrity rehab shit. My addictions are to certain foods (Herr's cheese curls, Wendy's fries, Doughnuts), certain things (Betseyville purses, OPI nail polish, jewelry), and certain activities (running, walking on an incline, yoga).

Now trust me - 5 years ago if you would have said I would be addicted to running I would have pissed myself laughing in front of you. I seriously would have. But yes, this is now my obsession. I obsess about how many miles in how long, how many calories I can burn in 10 minutes, if I can beat my time from the previous run, blah blah blah.


He tells me I have an injury and that he is going to give me a shot and then we can talk about what we can do after this appointment to heal my injury. I grab my foot out of his hand and hold it up at my ear, thank you yoga, in a jean skirt and stop him. He looks at me like "WTF!" and I advise him that we are going to talk about this first, he needs to understand that I have an obsession. He tells me I can't run for 2 weeks, I tell him I am going to kick him in the face. He tells me that if I don't listen to him I am going to have to have surgery and the recovery time from that is a lot longer than the 2 weeks he is going to put me down...he wins.

So I get the shot and look at the nurse and say "he is going to make me fat again if I can't run for two weeks!" She says that I will not. He tells me I can't walk on the treadmill for 2 weeks either. I now tell him I am going to punch him in the face. He says I need to rest for two days - I am on the verge of bawling. Then I realize I apparently need a psychiatrist also because WHO THE FUCK CRIES AT THE FOOT DOCTOR!?! Drunk Martha does, that's who.

Mr Foot says that I can go to yoga the next day - this makes me feel a little bit better about not causing him physical harm. Mr Foot says that after 48 hours I can do the eliptical and bicycle. Mr Foot is starting to inch his way off my hate list. Mr Foot says after 2 weeks I can run 1.5 miles a day every other day until I see him on September 27th. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? The day after the Great Race. F F F F F!!!!

He then tells me that I need to wear "sensible shoes" and ones with good support. Apparently my flip flops that are adorable are not in this category. Listen, I know this OK. I'm not a moron but my friends, shoes are quite an issue with me. I have standards and rules that I feel everyone should follow when it comes to shoes in the summer:

#1 - Thou shall not wear athletic shoes with a dress or a skirt.
#2 - Thou shall not wear socks and shoes with capri pants - adorable sandals and flops are acceptable.

If you think that I am going to change my rules you are crazy. If you think I am going to look like one of those Duggar kids with a skirt and tennis shoes on then you have lost your fucking mind. BTW - why do they wear long skirts, not cut their hair? I don't get that....

I have changed out the shoes since my nightmare appointment the other day and have been sporting more wedges than flops. I am listening a little bit. I did the eliptical and bike at the gym, I really do want to get better but it's so hard giving up the obsession, even if for just 2 weeks.

So I have some great pics from the fashionable Dayton Fair that I can't wait to share with all of you. Sorry that this blog wasn't as funny as those past but stay tuned!

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