Saturday, January 8, 2011

NYR People - Why I will never use this saying again!

It is a well known fact that every gym person hates the month of January at the gym and I think we all know why - the “New Years Resolution People.” Yes we name them just that. We say that “It’s OK, in February the machines won’t be busy anymore cause people will stop coming.” When I hear this OR say it (yes I admit my guilt) it kinda makes me sad. Which I wonder why do I say that? I was the New Years Resolution girl once that I guarantee you people thought the same thing of. How ridiculous.

Today I went to the Y. I hadn’t been there since Monday. Now you ALL know me well enough that I go to the gym pretty much every single day. Well between being sick on Tuesday and just having a shitty week Wednesday through Friday I didn’t go. Again - SO not like me, especially when I about had a heart attack on Monday when I had gained major poundage in a 3 day time period. And I mean 9 pounds major! I have NO idea how that happened, not like I spent 3 days straight at Ponderosa or anything - it was the holidays, whatever. Over and Done.

I am happy to report that as of this morning (Saturday) I have lost 9.8 pounds since Monday! Don’t ask me how, I have no clue - especially when I didn’t hit the gym for 4 days straight. Any who…

So I go into the gym and yes, low and behold, there are “NYR” people everywhere. But there were free machines which made me happy. I worked the treadmill and then hit the weights and the weight machines. In front of me on the one machine was a NYR person. I thought I knew her. She got up from her machine and said “Well I think I’m done.” Again, I thought I knew her and I said “Do you think you can do more?” And I wasn’t being a smart ass I just thought that some kind of encouragement would maybe help her.

She said “Yah I think I can but I don’t want to push it. I just started working out and I heard weights are the key to losing weight. I said “Well maybe, I don’t know, I didn’t start lifting until I lost my weight, I found that cardio was the key for me. Cheryl (NYR lady) says “Oh did you lose weight?”

HERE WE GO the million dollar question that turns a 3 sentence conversation into a 45 minute interview. I answered and yes, 45 minutes later she said to me:

“You know I am so glad I talked to you. You are my inspiration. I started Weight Watchers in November and I have only lost 7 pounds. I weighed 318 pounds when I got on that scale. I never told anyone that but I feel like I can tell you that and not be embarrassed because you have been there. Oh I am just so happy that I talked to you.”


I have to tell you that I absolutely HATE when someone says that I am their inspiration or their Hero. I don’t know, maybe I don’t. It is a double edged sword. It is me being looked up to which means I can’t slip up. That is the other side of the sword - being someone’s inspiration means you cannot fail…you try your best….you work out like crazy…you watch what you eat. It is frustrating.

This past Sunday we were at Eat n Park for the breakfast buffet which was also a brunch and we ran into our Real Estate Agent that sold us our house 12 years ago on 1/29/99. She told me “You look absolutely fantastic, how did you lose your weight?” Maybe I should think about printing brochures to pass out when people ask the question. After a quick 2 minute Cliff Notes version of my story I went to the buffet. Now I am pissed off. Why am I pissed off? CAUSE NOW I CAN’T EAT BACON. NOW I CAN’T EAT SAUSAGE. NOW I CAN’T EAT ANYTHING BAD FOR ME! Why? Because Susie and her family are sitting at a table that I have to walk past to get to our table. And of course, when I did get some potato soup and put cheese and croutons on top (oh maybe that was the weight gain problem, hmm) I see her and she says “Now how can you eat that and be skinny?” UGH!!!!!!!

#1 - I am not skinny.

#2 - Susie stop over (you know where I live) and watch me weigh myself Monday morning.

#3 - I realize that this meal is gonna result in a 2 hour gym time come Monday night.

I came home from the gym this morning/afternoon and told Dave “Sorry I took so long I had a talker on my hands.” He asked who and what about and I told him Cheryl’s whole story and what we talked about. Dave said “You know what Mandy yah, maybe she did disrupt your work out for a while (writers note - I didn’t think that since I initiated the conversation) but YOU just made that woman feel better about herself. You gave her inspiration and you showed her that you can lose the weight on Weight Watchers and have success.”

With that I vow to never think of someone as a NYR at the gym again. Never.

Friday, January 7, 2011

The Wallflowers, Jimmy Buffett and Snoop Dogg

Ever wake up from a dream and say “WTF?!?!?!?!”

SO here is what I remember…..Amber, Dawson and I went to the Jimmy Buffett concert. We are up in the lawn section of Starlake (sorry I still have to call it Starlake). Dawson wants to go and get something to drink – I give him money and let him go by himself. This would never happen at Starlake… we go back in time (Flex Capacitor) to the early 90’s. The following is not a dream, it really happened.

The boyfriend and I went to our first Jimmy Buffett concert in like 1994 maybe? He was 21 and bought a case of Zima (I know – time warp, right?). We head to Starlake and drink A LOT in the parking lot laughing at people and watched them stagger across the road to the woods to piss.

We go inside.

We find our place on the lawn.

We decide we need more to drink so he goes to get us some beer. I stay in our place on the lawn. I say “Are you going to remember where I am at up here?” He says “Yah I’ll just look for the guy with the lobster on his head.” At the time this seemed like a good idea. I repeat – at the time. Apparently in my Zima drunk I was not paying attention to everyone’s attire. BIG MISTAKE.

10 minutes go by, no boyfriend.

15 minutes go by, no boyfriend.

30 minutes go by, where the fuck is he?

45 minutes go by and so does a Conga line with Keith Szalankiewicz in it. That was weird…

60 minutes I say OMG I lost my boyfriend, and my way home and OMG where did Keith go in case I need a ride back to Ford City?!?!?!

I go on a mission to find the boyfriend. I check over by the beverages since that was where he was heading AN HOUR AGO. No boyfriend. Then I think “OMG I have to piss!” Wait – for what we drank he should too…..HEY THERE HE IS! Staggering around with 2 draft beers, one in each hand. We chug the beer and make out like the end of the world is near to the point where people tell us to “Get a room!”. Oh young love……gag!

Anyways, back to my dream this morning…. after a few minutes I am frantic because my child has been gone 10 minutes and hasn’t return. I head down the lawn and start looking for him. I find him in a hospitality tent for the entertainment! The hospitality tent has a swimming pool. Really?

Amber and I hang out in there while Dawson swims and  THEN I get in the swimming pool fully clothed and in a white t-shirt – umm hello?

Jacob Dylan (lead singer of The Wallflowers, also Bob Dylan’s son) walks by. I start screaming (because I am a fan) “DYLAN! DYLAN! DYLAN!” He keeps walking and ignores me. I am like “OK dick!” Then I realize I am calling him by his wrong name. I yell “JACOB!” He stops dead in his tracks, turns around, says “That’s better!” I ask for a picture with him (in my white, wet t-shirt). He takes off all his clothes and jumps in the pool with me. WHOA COWBOY! What the hell?!?! Amber takes a few pictures WITH HIS JUNK EXPOSED (I love the word junk BTW).

As if this dream can’t get any odder –

He leaves cause he has to play the show. But wait! Tonight in addition to The Wallflowers and Jimmy Buffett playing there’s a third act! SNOOP DOGG! My God what did I eat before I went to bed? Special Brownies?

Snoop and his entourage come walking by the pool. Behind them is a huge gospel choir in choir robes. The choir robe collars have fake dreadlocks hanging from them. Really? Anyways Bill Waters, YOU were in the choir in a choir robe complete with fake dreadlocks.

Jimmy Buffett starts, I jump out of the pool, my shirt is amazingly dry and we run to the lawn, Amber, Dawson and I – to do “Fins” and then the alarm went off.

I shake my head, hope I remember that dream and hit the shower. Wow. Snoop Dogg, a naked Wallflower and a Zima flashback. Yoy!

Monday, January 3, 2011

New Year Fashion F-Up's........

Call it a New Years Resolution soon to be broken. OK I’m not putting it on my list of resolutions but considering I haven’t blogged in like FOREVER and it’s January 3rd it will be considered just that. It’s the first day of the work year and not even 9 AM and I have already told my boss I am pissed at him and that I Mother F’ed him the whole way home from work on the previous Thursday. Nice.

Today Drunk Trashy Martha feels like the damn Goodyear Blimp. My fat jeans are snug. I had difficulty bending over to tie my shoe. WTF!!!! Oh and why am I getting pimples at the age of 28 (insert LOL here) when I didn’t get them in high school?!?!?! Jesus! Wacked.

Back to the blimp thing – seriously ugh! IDK why I am such an idiot and why I lose all control on the weekends. What is the damn point of eating cabbage soup and salad and egg whites Monday through Friday when you are eating like there’s no tomorrow on the weekend? That shit has to stop. Of course the gym not being open for the past 2 Friday’s doesn’t help matters either. Looks like it’s gonna be a cereal for dinner kind of week which trust me, if it makes me feel better it’s worth it.

Bought a new pair of jeans yesterday – didn’t try them on cause I already have 2 pairs the same brand in that size. Do they fit? Fuck no they don’t fit. Even with an excessive MUFFIN TOP they don’t fit. I would have to do yoga for 3 hours straight to stretch those bitches out just to be able to button them. FML.

Muffin top is just disgusting but as I sit here mine is disguised by a Nike fleece. I don’t understand people’s way of dressing anymore, I really don’t. The whole pajama bottom shit puts me over the edge. When did it become acceptable to wear your pajamas in public? I DON’T UNDERSTAND! My God I don’t even like going to get the mail in my pajamas in fear that someone I know is going to cruise on by. Some chick right before Christmas HERE AT WORK had on pajama bottoms. I gave her “the fashion eye” to which she said “What don’t you like my PJ’s?” I shook my finger at her up and down and said “I don’t even know what to say about this!”

LISTEN to me! There is never an acceptable time to be wearing your pajamas in public. NEVER! And sweat pants in the office? Really? No. I don’t give a shit how bloated you are or how tired you are – it is NOT ACCEPTABLE! I mean the worst I ever wore to work was my yoga pants and that was on the day after Thanksgiving when no one is here.

And what is this I hear about Pajama Jeans? My friends have told me these exist – I have not yet seen the commercial. Boo to that (probably because I fast forward through all commercials). I can see it now…..Miller’s Hoagie or Sprankle’s…plagued by an over abundance of Pajama Jeans. I just Googled Pajama Jeans – check it.

WTF!!!!!!! I can see it now – a bunch of fake Ugg boots and Pajama Jeans – the new Armstrong County uniform. Gross.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

"You're going to make me fat again!"

Hey readers!

Damn I suck, I know. Apparently this actually working phase I am going through is hurting my blog postings big time. I promise to slack off a tad to satisfy your eyes.

Went to the podiatrist on Wednesday. Remembered my appointment that morning so did the "courtesy shave" of the legs. Cut myself on the ankle bone - why?!?! Bled like a pig, awesome.

So I have been avoiding the podiatrist for like a year now. Not that I was scared of him or anything like that but because I knew he was going to ground me. Yes, ground me - forbidding me to do something. THE PODIATRIST TOOK AWAY MY CRACK COCAINE! OK not really but ladies and gentlemen I have addictions. Fortunately my addictions are not things like drugs, alcohol, gambling, you know - all the celebrity rehab shit. My addictions are to certain foods (Herr's cheese curls, Wendy's fries, Doughnuts), certain things (Betseyville purses, OPI nail polish, jewelry), and certain activities (running, walking on an incline, yoga).

Now trust me - 5 years ago if you would have said I would be addicted to running I would have pissed myself laughing in front of you. I seriously would have. But yes, this is now my obsession. I obsess about how many miles in how long, how many calories I can burn in 10 minutes, if I can beat my time from the previous run, blah blah blah.


He tells me I have an injury and that he is going to give me a shot and then we can talk about what we can do after this appointment to heal my injury. I grab my foot out of his hand and hold it up at my ear, thank you yoga, in a jean skirt and stop him. He looks at me like "WTF!" and I advise him that we are going to talk about this first, he needs to understand that I have an obsession. He tells me I can't run for 2 weeks, I tell him I am going to kick him in the face. He tells me that if I don't listen to him I am going to have to have surgery and the recovery time from that is a lot longer than the 2 weeks he is going to put me down...he wins.

So I get the shot and look at the nurse and say "he is going to make me fat again if I can't run for two weeks!" She says that I will not. He tells me I can't walk on the treadmill for 2 weeks either. I now tell him I am going to punch him in the face. He says I need to rest for two days - I am on the verge of bawling. Then I realize I apparently need a psychiatrist also because WHO THE FUCK CRIES AT THE FOOT DOCTOR!?! Drunk Martha does, that's who.

Mr Foot says that I can go to yoga the next day - this makes me feel a little bit better about not causing him physical harm. Mr Foot says that after 48 hours I can do the eliptical and bicycle. Mr Foot is starting to inch his way off my hate list. Mr Foot says after 2 weeks I can run 1.5 miles a day every other day until I see him on September 27th. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? The day after the Great Race. F F F F F!!!!

He then tells me that I need to wear "sensible shoes" and ones with good support. Apparently my flip flops that are adorable are not in this category. Listen, I know this OK. I'm not a moron but my friends, shoes are quite an issue with me. I have standards and rules that I feel everyone should follow when it comes to shoes in the summer:

#1 - Thou shall not wear athletic shoes with a dress or a skirt.
#2 - Thou shall not wear socks and shoes with capri pants - adorable sandals and flops are acceptable.

If you think that I am going to change my rules you are crazy. If you think I am going to look like one of those Duggar kids with a skirt and tennis shoes on then you have lost your fucking mind. BTW - why do they wear long skirts, not cut their hair? I don't get that....

I have changed out the shoes since my nightmare appointment the other day and have been sporting more wedges than flops. I am listening a little bit. I did the eliptical and bike at the gym, I really do want to get better but it's so hard giving up the obsession, even if for just 2 weeks.

So I have some great pics from the fashionable Dayton Fair that I can't wait to share with all of you. Sorry that this blog wasn't as funny as those past but stay tuned!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Drunk Trashy Martha crashes a 50th Class Reunion

Hi readers! My apologies for not writing for a few days - just not enough hours in the day. This past week was pretty damn uneventful and not much to say about it - until Saturday. We decided to tie one on and some members of the "BFF Wolf Pack" hit the Polish Falcons, LA Club, Hilltop and Firehouse - all before 1 AM. Pretty damn impressive, I know.

We were lucky enough to crash a Ford City High School 50th Class Reunion. They were over and done with by 10:40 and the lame ass DJ was playing some lame ass oldies, fortunately not country. After nagging we were allowed to take over the dance floor (not that this was a problem because no one was dancing) and well, we will let the picture speak for itself:

Oh yes, the Animal House move, the "I'm a responsible 35 year old woman", the "who gives a fuck" dance move. Awesome. So after this the DJ says he's done and basically F off cause it's not our party anyways. He sucked. I think we told him that.

At the Hilltop Amber spotted this sweet ride in the parking lot. I, of course, had to throw the BFF Wolf Pack gang sign, THE SHOCKER:

Again, I'm a responsible adult.

So this week is pretty exciting in the land of what I like to call "past the driveway" also known as cow country, Amish country, freaking Dayton, PA. IT'S FAIR WEEK! And can you get any more redneck than the freaking demolition derby people? Well, no, no you can't. This not only is an unbelievable sight to watch but the crowd watching is just remarkable. I am looking forward to seeing some rebel flag bandanas, Mickey Mouse tattoos, and some carnival marijuana belts, hats and tee shirts. A whole pile of awesomeness all in one place, can't wait. I seriously laugh for hours and hours on end. I think about the Death Mobile at the parade in Animal House - God that's a fantastic movie. If I ever have a demo car you can bet your sweet ass it will look just like the Death Mobile.

I may finish the weekend off on Sunday with a trip to Boarders to spy on the Dungeons and Dragons "I still live with my mom" people and perhaps head down towards Oakland in the park of the Highland Park Bridge where renaissance people dress up and fight each other. Can you imagine the blog material? OMG!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

"Abby's" first wax.

Hey readers! Sorry for yesterday's lame ass post. I had a boring ass day and nothing was coming to me. Then I thought that I don't need to wait for new shit to happen, I have 14 years of legal drinking and 5 of illegally drinking stories that I can share will all of you.

I called my friend and asked her if I could write about her first waxing experience and she said as long as I changed her name to Abby she was cool with it.


Abby decided one night that she was going to try waxing. She went to the store and bought wax. Abby took off her clothes, read the directions and covered her pubes with wax. The sad thing is, the directions didn't say to weed wack / trim the bush first. Nor did Abby tell anyone she was doing this. Hey, us bitches tell each other lots of stuff but vaj talk isn't always a topic of conversation.

So anyways Abby realizes that she has nothing but huge waxy hairballs hanging off of her pubic hair and that none of the wax actually went on her skin. Jeez now that I think about it that must have been some tumbleweed down there...

Abby calls (who else) but her mom frantically asking her what to do. Too bad mom had Abby on speaker phone and was hosting card night that consists of many of our retired school teachers from FCHS...awesome.

Finally she figures out that she will just take scissors and cut the waxy hairballs off. Then she can be trimmed and start all over the right way.....


The fucking scissors get stuck in the wax. My friends, I am serious. Let me repeat - THE SCISSORS GOT STUCK IN THE WAX! What the shit! Now many people have more than one pair of scissors - scrapbookers, seamstresses, umm barbers, office kleptos, but not Abby - she had 1 lone pair of scissors.

What's a girl to do at this point? Waxy, hairy balls hanging from her pubes, scissors stuck and hanging from her crotch. Abby puts on a pair of sweatpants and drives herself to Giant Eagle to buy baby oil and scissors.

People, I can't make this good of a story up.

A week later we went out drinking. Abby was in the backseat of my Pontiac Aztec, at the time, and decided to moon my sister and brother in law when they drove by. After she shot the moon she said "I bet Jill and Brandon are thinking "Who's the 10 year old girl in the back of your car?"

LMFAO! Like I said, one of the best stories ever. It never gets old. Never!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Drink Recipe - Raspberry Champagne Punch

Drunk Trashy Martha here with the drink recipe of the week:

Raspberry Champagne Punch!

What you need:

1 bottle of champagne (I like Barefoot pink champagne the best).
1 2-liter 7Up or Sprite
1/2 container frozen pink lemonade
1 container fresh raspberries

Difficult instructions:

Pour it all together. So easy even my sister could make it!