Wednesday, August 4, 2010

A teaser of things to come...

I just have to start blogging - that's all there is to it. I see tooo much fucked up shit on a daily basis not to.

I mean the goofiest shit. Probably because I drive through Downtown Kittanning on a daily basis, that seems

to have something to do with it. But then I am in another town and see even more messed up stuff.

Let's start with Monday. I fortunately, for your reading pleasure, ignored my son's request for Foxes Pizza. Main reason for that was my holy shit weight gain while on vacation. We pull up to a stop sign and I see these 3 adults and like 2 kids I think. Anyways the adults are walking arm in arm, like they are sharing the love or something. Then I look at the chick in the middle. SHE WAS SO MESSED UP THEY WERE HOLDING HER UP! IDK if she was drugged up or drunk but regardless IT IS 6 PM!!!! Wow. I seriously just stared at her in disbelief. I mean what is she going to do? Try and run after my car or something, she can't even stand up on her own. Jeez.

After this sighting I drive 2 blocks and see 3 men walking. 2 are almost beside one another and 1 is trailing behind. Ahh, the black wrestling tee shirt - a typical uniform for an Armstrong County male walking the streets of Kittanning. BUT WAIT! Why is he wearing a yellow scarf? It's like 90 some freaking degrees! OH MY GOD IT ISN'T A YELLOW SCARF it's a god damn snake! Like a boa snake. Like a 6 foot long 100+ pound snake. WHAT THE FUCK! I frantically dig for a camera in my purse - NOTHING! Shit, I left it on my kitchen table, will my cell phone work instead? No, it sucks (mental note to get a Droid with a 8mp in it for moments like this). Had I had my camera I would have made the guy pose and take his picture. Again, he can't run after me, hell he can't even keep up with his friends walking because of the extra weight he is carrying. I immediately thought the guy was headed to The County Seat and thought of bad jokes like "So this guy walks into a bar with a big ass snake around him." My son says "Mom is that a real snake?" I reply "Oddly enough, yes it is."

This is my teaser for my blog. I have MANY stories to tell (none of Tucker Max quality but still pretty damn funny).

Follow me....I am vulgar and am going to blog like I speak. Some stories may be long - some may be a 3 sentence conversation, who knows - depends on my mood or what I may see that day.

Here's a little bit of info about myself:

- I am 35 years old. I tell people I am 28. This pisses my younger sister off. I find it hilarious and do this in front of her as much as possible.

- When my elementary school teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up I sure as shit didn't say a fucking customer service representative! WTF!

- I am married to a man 12 years older than me. He cannot spell. He is my total opposite. I call him by his first and last name when I speak of him but am not sure why.

- I have a son - he is the most amazing kid in the whole wide world. I know every mother thinks this but those that know my child love him and his personality. The kid loves Abraham Lincoln, Def Leppard and collects Civil War Bullets. How cool is he?

- I just had my mouth hanging open when I was typing and just drooled down the front of my shirt. WTF is that about?

- I like to spend money which is why I never have any.

- I love to party. I love to party. I love to party. Tequila is my mexican lover.

- I am obsessed with Facebook, running, cookbooks, Betseyville purses, good food and music. Country music blows.

- The first thing I notice when meeting someone is their eyebrows. Old man eyebrows put me over the edge.

- If you have something stuck in your teeth or your tag is hanging out the back of your shirt I will tell you and/or fix your tag. If I do not like you I will not. This is how one can tell how many friends they have at work - if they go home and their tag is hanging out the back of your shirt this means you have no friends at work. That simple. That true.

- I had a normal childhood! My parents are married, I have a sister, cookie cutter family. Nothing too wacked or goofy.

- I am a former fatty. This means that I used to weigh over 300 lbs. Now I don't. I did it the old fashioned way of diet and exercise. NOTHING PISSES ME OFF MORE when someone says: 1. Did you have surgery? 2. Are you sick? These are the 2 worst things to ever say to me. I want to punch people in the face when they say this to me. They have NO IDEA the work that was put into my success to say those 2 things to me. I have ninja fighting skills and are not afraid to use them.

There ya have it - love it or leave it.

The reason for my blog name "Drunk Trashy Martha":
I love Martha Stewart, I don't give a shit about her being in that cupcake jail bull shit, she's one smart woman that I am envious of. But Martha is a little bit of a bore don't ya think? I mean she throws dinner parties for a good time. I THROW BACK tequila. You can dress me up, take me out but I am the most comfortable being wild and crazy drinking and carrying on. Martha and me are damn good cooks - yes I can put that in a sentence, it is true. Martha started as a cateerer. I went to cateering school. Martha however uses cheese I can't name in her recipes, ingredients that I sure as hell can't buy at the local "SCARY STORE" (more on that another time). My recipes are cream cheese, dried beef, sour cream and tortilla shells. This is what makes me drunk, trashy Martha.

Enjoy! Plenty more to come!


  1. I <3 you! This is cracking me up and it's only day one. I told Rhonda I want you to be my BFF. LOL

    Kim McB

  2. But will you (assuming you like me) tell me if my zipper is down or I have toilet paper on my shoe? (Incidentally, I have a similar policy. Even if I don't like you, I may tell you - depending upon my mood - but I'm WAY more likely to laugh at you while doing it.)

    I'm pleased that you're doing this!