Monday, August 9, 2010

The Stink Curtain.

The work bathroom. You know where I'm just nasty. First off the thing is so God damn cold I could cut glass when I walk in there if you know what I'm sayin'. I do not work with a bunch of elementary kids so I find signs explaining the basics totally unnecessary. Today I did the unthinkable and took my cell phone into the stall to capture the image. As soon as I knew my phone was going to make that "picture sound" I coughed loudly. I mean really, who wants her co-workers to think she's sending perverted pictures to someone and taking them in the bathroom stall.

Let's break this down shall we? Who the fuck is leaving behind:
Used Toilet Paper?
Feminine Products?
Human Waste?
And what else could be filed under ETC?
Seriously we have to tell grown women to get rid of this stuff? What the fuck man! My next question is who is going to check for violators? Are there pooper police that I am not aware of?

Anyways. I have to let you all in on a little secret:
Yes that's right boys and girls, everybody poops.

I have discovered that many people do this at work. Hey, no problem! I would rather you do that than have a heart attack later giving birth at home if you know what I mean. But what I do have a problem with is....THE STINK CURTAIN!
The STINK CURTAIN is when you walk into the bathroom and it hits you like BOOM holy Jesus that smell is horrible! Reminds me of:

"Damn Boy, what'd you eat?"
OK so you're dropping a deuce at work and I get hit with the stink curtain, whatev. But what totally pisses me off is that the second I latch my stall door you flush, run out, wash your hands (thank God) and haul ass out the door like it's a fire drill. This leaves me to deal with stink curtain, no problem. BUT it always happens. As soon as I walk out of my stall someone else strolls into the bathroom and gets hit with the stink curtain. Now does this person think "Wow, the person in here 2 minutes ago that has since gone really left one" or are they thinking "Wow, Drunk Trashy Martha must have had cabbage and brocolli for dinner last night."
I think it's #2 (pun intended).

As you may have guessed by now, I am a mean girl. Right out of the movie Mean Girls. Seriously. I LOVE to mess with people in the bathroom that are afraid to poop when someone else is in there (they apparently are not familiar with the courtesy flush technique). These people sit quietly holding and squeezing their ass cheeks together and breaking a sweat hoping that the person that just walked in does their piss and leaves STAT. When I know this I do the meanest, horrible thing. I take my time. Yes it's true, I don't want to be in there for very long but I love messing with people that are holding onto the handicap bars for dear life by fixing my hair, smiling in the mirror, adjusting my clothing, looking at my ass, washing my hands for an extra long time, applying lotion, I am such a bitch but it cracks me up. The best is when as I'm leaving someone else walks in. Looks like you're wait just got longer honey. Have fun with that.

Hey, have a great night everybody and remember EVERYBODY POOPS!

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